TO START: A FOOTNOTE.1
One time, as a freshman in high school, I placed sixth in the state for my Original Oratory2 entitled “Pet Peeves.” And now I have one to share with you:
I hate slow walkers.
As previously discussed,3 I went to college in NYC. I say this not as a brag, but sort of in the same spirit that people wear little medical ID bracelets listing their life-threatening allergies so that if you find them in a crisis you won’t accidentally kill them. When I say, “I went to college in NYC,” I am trying to let you know that directness is a love language, bagels and pizza taste best when ordered authoritatively, and for the love of everything that is good, please get out of the way.
This is sort of less normal, but I am also built like a spider. I have very long legs and an honestly kind of squat non-existent torso. So when I am standing next to my mom and my granny in church, I am definitely the tallest.4 When I am sitting next to my mom and my granny in church, I am definitely the shortest. But when I am walking through a crowd, my freakish spider legs are helping me to MOVE.5
And in NYC, but really anywhere — airports, stadiums, the aforementioned churches — people in crowds move more slowly. People like to look at sites. People like to look at their phones. People like to look at everything except where they’re going. And this causes them to slow wayyyyyy down.
There is nothing quite as terrible6 as having the person in front of you come to a sudden stop. There’s a reason they put “CAUTION: FREQUENT STOPS” signs on the backs of trucks, and there’s no reason we can’t do that for your Great-Aunt Edna, too.
And look, I get it. Really. Sometimes you have something more important than getting from point A to point B. All you have to do is admit that to yourself and step to the right.
As just a basic primer in “how we do things”:
First of all,7 you walk on the right. Don’t walk on the left. Maybe they’re doing that in Ireland or Australia or Kyrgyzstan, but not here.
Second, you should walk or move slowly on the right. You should pass or move quickly on the left. If you are walking on an undivided sidewalk, that means you need about 1/4 of the sidewalk for the Slowies. This means that the Slowies will either be fully under the awning or on the outer edge of the curb. And while I don’t make the rules, I think there’s a certain elegance in putting the Slowies on the outer edge of the curb: no one is so cautious!8 This of course leaves the Swifties9 in their respective center lanes. And while you might think this could lead to high-speed collisions, please remember: the Swifties are people who are fully focused on getting where they are going. They are the Navy SEALS of pedestrian life. They can be trusted in their respective center lanes.
These rules conveniently hold for other crowded places. Escalator? Stand on the right; walk on the left. Traffic? Passing happens on the left and slower vehicles should be on the right.10 Get to the top of a stairway, escalator, or elevator doors? Either exit to the right and gather yourself/your things/your people or continue on your way, but clear the landing area.
Honestly, that’s it. I wish I could hand out little laminated cards to remind people. Or paint the sidewalks. Or mutter it kind of loudly under my breath in crowds.
But that’s it. In Alexandra’s America, just like in this America, you stop/move slowly on the right and then you walk/move quickly/pass on the left. Go now and do likewise.
Despite the title and our polarized nation, this is actually literally about right and left, not metaphorically about “the right” and “the left” politically. Although idk, if “pass on the left, gawk on the right” really works for you or is somehow really insightful, please give me a Pulitzer or tell your friends to subscribe.
“Original Oratory” or OO, is where you write and memorize a 10 minute speech and deliver it and then judges judge you. I did this instead of debate; my husband did debate. Draw your own conclusions.
There’s always the chance of a high heel differential, of course.
There’s an incredible episode of Seinfeld in which “car periscopes” are used to see over and around traffic so as to chart the best course and see which lane is moving. Obviously this idea has its own little apartment in my brain and I like to visit often. Also, I kind of think of my little beady spider eyes like a crowd periscope on top of my squat little spider torso as I venture through the city streets. I am like a grotesque invention from Despicable Me. And yet, this is my true gifting.
Obviously there are a lot of things that are way worse. Like it would be worse to be drawn and quartered, or to be tarred and feathered, or to die in most of the ways that people have died over human history. But think to yourself. Despite all of the advances that we’ve made in medicine, politeness, and indoor plumbing, those war-mongering ancients had something on us. Can you think of a single historic battle scene where someone is walking slowly?
Update: my husband has informed me that all movie battle scenes are historically inaccurate and in fact, everyone was moving super slowly. Because, duh, if you were trying to race to where you were going (namely, the enemy), then you’d die. So in fact ancient warfare was a lot of shouting. And maybe walking verrrrrryyyy slowly and certainly not any faster than Igor and slowing down because you were ahead of Grieg and it took forever. All of a sudden, movies are lies and trench warfare was actually just like, warfare.
I recently realized this is a super dumb expression. Wouldn’t it always be “first of all [the things in my list]?” Like if it’s the first of only the first three, but there are six total, don’t you actually have two lists? I am trying to understand how something would not be the first of all. Anyway. Instead of just omitting the needless words, I’ve added a whole footnote. You’re welcome.
Also, though, for real. No one would be missed less! (I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Please do not push a Slowie into oncoming traffic. There are too many of them. Just removing one won’t speed things up. Again—KIDDING. Don’t push people off of sidewalks.)
Trickier than I expected to come up with this moniker (the “quickies” had some problems and the “fasts” sounded like juice cleanses). I obviously am not referring to people who like Taylor Swift’s music, although, who knows, maybe the crowds move with surprising grace and speed (dare I say swiftness) at her mega concerts? Just kidding, obviously they don’t, have you ever been in a crowd of women-attending-something-with-a-group-of-friends? They are clusters; they are the borg; they are buying t-shirts; they are in line for the bathroom.
Just kidding. The faster vehicles are all in the left lane behind a 1998 Honda Accord that is inexplicably going 2 mph under the speed limit and so everyone is passing on the right and gawking to see who is driving so slowly in the fast lane.