Waffles, Pancakes, and Lot
Why Christians Ruin Market Signals
As you know, Waffles v. Pancakes is a Whole Thing™️ in my house.1 I prefer waffles, mostly because of the texture and because you can eat so much more fruit on a waffle than you can in/on a pancake. While I like dessert, I love fruit. So, the idea that you could give an even douse of syrup to the whole thing, then fill each little square with its own berry/berry piece, and then top that with whipped cream, is just better than the idea that you could eat a Jack Johnson song.
And as I’ve mentioned repeatedly,2 my husband prefers pancakes. And so my son also prefers pancakes. Because my son actually prefers whatever his dad prefers, and so, incredibly, my son also prefers weight lifting and the cello.
Except, after my most recent post in which I mentioned explicitly that my husband prefers pancakes, I was informed that, in fact, he does not.
I had to therapeutically hit the return key3 seven times after reliving that memory.
Anyway. Apparently every Saturday when my husband strongly suggests he would prefer pancakes to waffles this is not because he likes them better. In fact, he likes them worse.4 But they are “faster” and apparently5 “I” have this “rule” that we “have” to eat breakfast “by nine” even on “Saturdays.” So apparently this is “my” fault we “have to” eat “pancakes” and not “the children’s” fault for “being hungry” after “sleeping” “all night.”
But you can imagine my surprise that in fact, my husband prefers waffles just like I do! Apparently he is also absolutely lapping Marcus Aurelius in the self-denial department because in addition to the pancakes getting into the mouths of the hungry kids faster, he also likes doing the thing he likes less? Thankfully he doesn’t do this with everything, because then it would turn out that everything we have in common is actually just a me thing that he does not prefer and only does because it brings him pain, which he believes will make him a better man? And, wow, um, actually, maybe I should run and double check that he doesn’t do this with everything???
We now reach the third item in the title: Lot. Unlike Job, his name is pronounced just like the English noun, so feel free to confidently read this out loud even if you’re in a group of colleagues who will judge you for stumbling over a word as though you’re sitting in high school English.
Lot was Abraham’s nephew. And both Abraham and Lot were so fabulously wealthy and successful that their herds kept running into each other while grazing and it was causing some drama among their servants.6 Anyway, so Abraham and Lot go out and look over the land and have a sort of Mufasa/Simba “everything the light touches” moment, except they are dividing up the land. And Abraham lets Lot pick first. And Lot picks the good land that is all rich and good, but happens to be near Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham takes what is left over. God then has an actual Mufasa/Simba moment with Abraham and tells him that he’s going to get all the land he sees, and Lot has to be pulled out of Sodom by the generosity of the Lord and the prayers of Abraham.
So obviously the moral of this story is don’t be selfish and it works great when there are two brownies left and you let someone else pick first and they take the bigger one and as you reach for the smaller one you decide whether you’re going to pray to rescue your selfish friend before they get fire-blasted for being so selfish. 😇
I am sorry to report that Christians have gotten this way out of hand.
If you are in a room of church people and you offer them something, everyone is like, “after you,” “no, after you,” because no one wants to be like Lot. Doubly/quadruply so in the Midwest.7 So while the moral of the story is “trust God to make even the worse land productive,” or “don’t pitch your tents near sin even if it looks fruitful,”8 or, “be a gentleman and let the kid pick first,” Christians have determined that it’s always “defer to the other person and let them go first” combined with “pick the worst option that you secretly hate because aT lEAsT iT’s nOt sELfIsH.”
So basically, it’s impossible to know if Susan wants the chocolate or the glazed donut.9 Because she will be picking the one she does not want if she has to pick, but what she’d really like to do is make Gladys pick first and then joyyyyyyyyyfully pick the leftover donut. But it’s not joyful. She is hoping that Gladys is a sucker and picks the chocolate donut so that she can have the glazed donut and the morality points of choosing second. She is hoping God will have the Mufasa/Simba conversation with her! That her fake unselfishness will be rewarded with real donuts!
Not only is this not the point of the story at all, but it’s ruining market signals for everyone. I imagine that whichever type of donut gets eaten first at your church is the less preferred kind of donut because of all this fake piety. That is, unless you have a seeker friendly church that’s attracting people who aren’t even Christians yet and don’t know about the “delay a decision for as long as possible and then pick your least favorite option” rule! Which is surprisingly not in the 10 Commandments but is followed somewhat more consistently than some of the things that are in there.
Anyway.
The market works well when there are strong and consistent signaling mechanisms. This is an elementary point so I’m not going to describe how “if you keep selling out of blue widgets you will make more until the quantity supplied matches the quantity demanded.” But, there you go.
Apparently what Christians are really signaling is not what kind of donuts they prefer, but actually how much fake piety is demanded. Unfortunately (fortunately), there are not a lot of fake piety points in a grace-based economy.
So I don’t know if we’re going to eat pancakes or waffles today. I don’t know which of them my husband will prefer. I do know that my son genuinely prefers pancakes because he thinks his dad prefers them.
And actually, that’s kind of the sweet point, right? Maybe all the inefficient church people just genuinely prefer what they think their Dad prefers? And they just got confused about whether that’s generosity or efficiency?
God, if you’re listening, we could use a clarifying memo on this point. You see your people suffering in buffet lines and at donut tables. Let us know that being Christlike means being decisive and selecting our preferences so that the church volunteers can stock donuts in a more pleasing ratio. And, while you’re at it, please weigh in on pancakes v. waffles.
Happy Easter.
Not only is there a self-referential footnote in the first sentence, but it’s coming with RECEIPTS. We talked about this in February, March, and April. The only thing I’ve written about more is Wednesday One-Liners. I mean, this Substack could be called Pancakes v. Waffles. Obviously I also hope there is some day a court case called Waffles v. Pancakes. I would technically find more interesting/delicious a court case called Waffles v. French Toast, but I think it’s less likely that someone’s last name is French Toast.
I of course just went to look to see if there’s a court case called Pancakes v. Waffles, and Google suggested “Pancakes v Waffles game” so I clicked on that, and it took me to a .app site called Paffles (??????) that says this, which I don’t understand:
As part of my commitment to bravely exploring the Internet so you don’t have to, I clicked on “Let’s go” and was presented with this absolute trip:
So then I quick closed out of that before a unicorn farted in my face … while at Sturgis? And I went back to the main page and clicked the rules, which seem dumb but straightforward:
This seems like the Rube Goldberg machine of “figuring out group values”? Like, if I told you that I am motivated by the Bible and logic, would that be easier or faster than me advocating we get rid of pancakes because sometimes they’re burned on the outside and doughy on the inside because someone made the griddle too hot?
(Hint: the someone is me. I am atrocious at making pancakes. I’m impatient. Also griddles are uneven. And their one job is to be an entire flat surface of hot. But also, I flipped some fried eggs yesterday and the yoke of one separated itself from the rest of its eggy friends and landed directly on the gas burner cover, where it proceeded to cook immediately and then smoke quite a bit, so I guess I can never be a short order cook. It’s Substack, the law, or a life of vagrancy and hunger.)
Anyway, I also found out that there is a game called Waffles v. Pancakes from a company (???) called What Do You Meme, in which you have to scoop up little pancakes or waffles with a spatula while blindfolded?
Obviously human creativity has peaked and we are recycling previously rejected ideas.
Anyway, I didn’t run a LexisNexis search or anything, but I’m pretty sure there are actually a lot of Internet debates about pancakes v. waffles but no court cases.
Ok so actually I just checked and I keep mentioning that we eat pancakes a lot on Saturdays but technically I only mentioned one time that my husband likes pancakes more than waffles. Incredibly, this is going to prove my point even more.
Only people who typed on typewriters call it “the return key,” but weirdly, my little iPad keyboard here says “return” and not “enter,” so that’s what I’m calling it. It also says “caps lock” in all lower case (lol), and it says “delete” instead of “backspace,” which is offensive because “delete” is a different button that allows you to delete text left-to-right instead of only backspacing it right-to-left, which Google keeps telling me is impossible on an iPad. Is that true?
I’m totally on board with better and worse being opposites until we talk about liking something. And liking something better seems grammatically fine, but liking something worse just sounds like a record scratch? I guess usually I would say liking it more or less? Should I delete this whole thing and just say “preferring and not preferring”?
The three-year-old has started saying “appawentwy,” because he can’t say his Ls and can only sort of say his Rs, and I admit I think that word in my son’s voice now.
Incidentally, I think this is also how a lot of the wars of the Middle Ages started? A bunch of lords whose flocks were grazing in each other’s areas creating drama among their serfs? I also think this is the basic plot of most Real Housewives spin-offs?
My spiritual gift is being the person to start dishing up food in a buffet line. When the host says, “let’s eat!” and everyone just sits there trying to be Abraham, I take all of the shame and disgrace of going first upon my shoulders and allow the multitudes to come and get food. I am a giver.
If you were going to get advice from the Bible on how to avoid white collar prison, this is it.
Donuts are one of very few desserts that I honestly don’t really like and so I can walk away without it being even a little hard. I don’t just give up donuts for Lent. I give them up all the time. Anyway, I don’t know if most people prefer chocolate or glazed donuts, so please read the example in a way that makes sense to you. I don’t really care; the only donuts I like are apple cider donuts in the fall and blueberry cake donuts like once every two years. Again. I actually just like fruit.